I am back... I think?!?!

My friend gave me a camera to use. She read on my blog that I had lost ours. I still cannot find that stinken camera! I also cannot find a movie we rented from redbox. I guess we will end up buying it. Ryan is the king of taking things and hiding them. I am sure I will find my camera one day in his stuff. Baseball season is almost over for Jamie. He started in Feb. I am now just getting sick of him being gone. When he comes home I am too tired to talk much. I miss him. On Mothers Day he treated me like a princess. He did not even ask me to lift a finger. He even changed Ryans diaper. He made me breakfast in bed (I ate that half asleep). Then he made filets a veggie tray, bread and a cake. I even got to take a little nap. I am so lucky to have such a sweet man.

I have not been up to blogging as of late. I have been really working on taking care of myself. I have been depressed for about a year now. I have been trying so hard to get better. I think I am finally coming out of it. I feel like I have had so many trials and have had to really look at myself and try to better myself. I have hated myself a lot. I am very hard on myself and I tend to always look at what is bad about me. Things are better for me. I can honestly say I am feeling more peace. I am very blessed to have a awesome husband, great kids a Mom and Dad who care and great friends. This summer is going to rock the house! My kids are in for a fun summer. I am excited!

Jamie and I still are hoping to adopt but it is not consuming us. Luke and Aubree ask atleast 3-4 x's a week for a baby. Luke asked me to just push one out. He saw our dog have pups so now he thinks all I have to do it push and one will come out. He used to say he wants a baby brother now he is saying brother or sister... I think he is to the point of just wanting a baby in the house. I really do hope we are able to add to the family.

Well, I hope to be back to blogging. I am busy with the kids and other stuff. Maybe next time I will even post pictures!!!

Adoption Update

Last week we decided not to move forward with bringing baby Braden to our home. As hard as it is we feel it is for the best. We rushed and finished all of our updates for our home study to find out that Bradens birth father has been located. He just got out of jail but is currently looking to take custody of him. After talking to the social worker their main goal is to put him with a family member if possible. To make a long story short, Braden could be in our home for 2 years as a foster child and if his Mom or Dad get everything together he would go to them. They have not even started to terminate her rights yet even though she has not contacted them since the boys have been taken. It makes me sick. I have had my good cry and break down but I truly feel it is time. The only way we could consider having him is if he was able to be adopted by us. We did not go into this to be foster parents. We wanted and want to do a private adoption. I think the world of foster parents but I cannot handle loving a child and then sending them away. I am not cut out for that. So yet again this chapter will have to close but I know there is a plan for us and all will be well. Thank you to friends and family for all your support!














\

10 Honest Things

My friend Ashly tagged me to write 10 honest things. At the risk of everyone who did not already know I am a freak show here are ten honest things about me for your reading pleasure...

1. I love having a clean mopped floor. It makes me feel better when there are no spots on the floor. I do not like to mop but once it is finished and the floor is shining I feel happy, very happy.

2. I like girls and like having girl friends but I don't like clicks. I have a lot who I consider friends and I only talk to on Sunday at church or if they no longer live here I can go months without talking to them and still feel like they are my good friends. I have been told I have a personality of a cat. I come to you when I feel like being social but don't feel the need to cater to others social needs. Huh?!? Maybe I am like that.

3. I LOVE BRITNEY SPEARS. I know call me crazy but I do. I have been a fan from the beginning. I just really like her music and listen to her when I work out.

4. I don't like to be touched. I get uncomfortable when people touch me. A short hug is fine but don't you dare sit too close or put your arm around me while sitting next to me in relief society. Jamie and my kids are the only ones who don't freak me out when they hold my hand, hug, put their arm around me and so on.

5. I LOVE shoes. You would not know this because Jamie does not let me be who I am and let me spend our life savings on shoes. If I could I would buy a new pair every week.

6. I hate my teeth, knees, butt, lack of breasts and my toes. Enough said.

7. If you are fishing for a compliment and I know you are you might as well move to another pond because I will not give you one.I will not ever compliment unless I really mean it.

8. I am a horrible liar and if I have done something wrong I will tell you shortly after.

9. I want to learn to play tennis. I have no time for myself to learn it at this point in my life.

10. I am a class clown. I love to laugh and hang with other people who love the same.

I tag Mom, Kari, Lindsy and Jen

I lost it

my camera that is! I have no idea where it is. It has slowed down my blogging. Anyway, today Ryan has been calling me Grandma. Do I look like a Grandma?!?! He also call's Jamie, "Jamie".He is one crazy little 2 year old. Last night Luke did not go to sleep until 2 am. Aubree was sick so I had all three kids home today. I have a cold. It was a great day!HA! HA! HA! *Sniffle, sniffle*

9 Years

Us through the years...


February 19th Jamie and I celebrated our 9 year anniversary. We went to lunch with the boys and that night went to a preschool dance with the kids oh and then Rhonda and Ryan (friends who's daughter also goes to Luke's preschool) asked for us to join them at the nasty Mexican restaurant. They thought it was gross too so I can say that. I was still full from our lunch so did not really order a full meal but what I had was gross and everyone else said their meals were also gross. Anyway, our anniversary was not romantic but I was nice. Maybe next year we will make a big deal of it because it will be our 10 year. Oh also, I did not get Jamie a gift... I know so wrong. He got me a card and some robin egg candies. I then asked him to stop buying me cards.... $4.00 for him to sign his name on something... I can live without. Okay so you probably get this was not the anniversary to remember. I am not bitter I promise although this post really sounds bitter. Let me indulge on memories of our wedding day....

We were running late to the Temple. I was stressed out. We walk in and Jamie is sitting there looking pale. We had a small interview with the Temple President and then we walked out and went to our dressing room. As we sat Jamie did not look at me much or talk to me. The guy that was helping us through everything actually told him that he could tell me I looked pretty. Jamie then said "you look nice" He had so many nerves he was literally sick. After we were married he was not pale anymore and he was fine. We had a lunch with the wedding party and family and then headed to the reception hall for pictures. When we got there my Dad took off with my car with my wedding dress inside. I was very annoyed with him and I am sure showed my feelings to everyone. On our way to the hotel Jamie would not talk much because he thought his friends put a tape recorder in the car. It was then I realized I married a freak case!

9 years later... Jamie does not care who hears him expressing his love to me. He is still adored and can't do wrong in my parents eyes. He still get's ill when nervous (he was just called to 2nd counselor in the bishopric when called to come to the stand he was just as pale as our wedding day). I still wear my heart on my sleeve. And I know he puts up with a lot from me. At the end of the day we are a wacky little couple who have been through a lot this past year. I am thankful to say it has brought us closer. He has been a shoulder for me to cry on. He has given a lot of great advise and some stupid man advice as well. He adores his family and I am so thankful to have him in my life!

How could I still have tears over this?

Last Monday at 4pm I received a call from Bradens Grandfather. I have never talked to him before apparently he got my # from Josh (Christina's ex-boyfriend). He informed me that Braden and his older brother are in foster care. Christina lost them in November. He is trying and now has gotten the right to care for the older brother but wants us to take Braden because he feels like we should be his family. He told me the social worker would be in touch in the next few days. I never heard from her. I called him back and we talked more. To make a long story short I just kept calling her until I got her. The Grandfather made it sound like she wanted to work with us. When I talked to her she told me we needed a lawyer. Um... well, we are out if this is gonna be a battle. We do not have the $$ to fight this. I then told her we are home study ready and we have our only have a few hours left to get our foster care licence. It is through our private agency if she and the state would be willing to accept it. She said to fax it in and she will start to see what she can do. The hard part is we are in a different state and are not blood related so it is going to be hard to get this done. I am still not sure if we need a lawyer. She kinda dropped that after I told her about the home study and so on. We talked for about 45 min. I gave her our sob story (in a calm matter) and basically told her She could do what she wanted and I trusted they would do what was best for Braden but that I would always feel like a mother to him. I informed her I had his baby book of his pictures at birth and his ultrasound pictures. She did say at one point that she would have to come to Louisville once a month for him and I asked if she would be willing to do that and she said yes. I did not get the "this is a go" answer I just got the "send in your home study and foster care stuff and I will see what we can do." Yesterday night I started working on submitting all the foster care hours on the spread sheet. We need 24 hours of reading or classes or movies. Jamie and I went to 2 training sessions for 8 hours each but when looking at the class time it was like 3 hours of actual class and the rest was fluff. Ahh! I am so frustrated. I am feeling very, very overwhelmed. This is gonna take a lot of time and then here comes to emotions again. Can I handle it? If this is just another trial couldn't we have been spared? I know if it is meant to be a lot of doors will be open and hearts will be softened. Just a warning if anyone says to me "what is meant to be will be" I might just rip your head off :-) I already know that and reminding me of it will not help :-) I have been struggling with all of our trials. Every week something new not in our favor happens. PLEASE LET THIS BE A BLESSING AND NOT A TRIAL!!! I cannot cry over this anymore, it is not good for me and my family. Last night I finally lost it. Pretty good I think... I held it in for over a week. Please keep us in your prayers! We need it!

Quote of the day...

"I think I can speak dog but I can't really understand it."- Aubree Alford age 7